St. Patrick Never Drank (Lyrics)

by M. Spaff Sumsion, 2008

Isn't it kinda funny how St. Patrick's Day is now synonymous with getting plastered on March 17th? What a shame! There's so much more to the Irish than getting drunk. Listen to the Irish and Celtic Music Podcast, and you'll know what I mean. Now in all historical honesty, St. Patrick probably did drink. Beer was often used to kill bacteria. But that doesn't mean that his song with lyrics by the great comedic lyricist Spaff are any less true. This is Irish satire at it's finest. Recorded for The FuMP and featured on Dr. Demento.

The 14th day of February's for Saint Valentine
September 29th is when Saint Michael's faithful dine
On April 23rd we hail Saint George without restraint
And come November 1st we cheer for EV'RY bloody saint

But none of those can claim the very BEST day of the year
‘Cause on March 17th we praise the patron saint of BEER!

[Cheers: “Hail St Patrick!” “Slainte!” etc.]

But wait! Don't cheer for greenish beer or Irish cream liqueur
Be-cause the man you toast was one devout tee-to-tal-ER!

Saint Patrick never drank! (Hey!)
Saint Patrick never drank! (Hey!)
‘Twas only clear, unleaded stuff he poured into his tank!
He'd take the cash YOU spend for drafts and stash it in the bank! (Hooray!)
Heroic, true, but STOIC too!
Saint Patrick never drank!

He strode with ancient war-ri-ors from coast to plain to highland
His staff he'd shake till ev'ry snake was banished from the island
He taught his fans the shamrock stands for Father, Son, and Spirit
But don't break out the Guinness Stout – the man would not go near it!

Saint Patrick didn't drink! (Hey!)
Saint Patrick didn't drink! (Hey!)
He never tossed a bracer back or teetered on the brink!
So pour another tall one, lad, then pour it down the sink! (Hooray!)
With piety, SOBRIETY!
Saint Patrick didn't drink!

Saint Patrick never drank (Hey!)
Saint Patrick never drank (Hey!)
So let's be frank: When asked his fav'rite beer, he drew a blank!
By gosh, if he could see you sloshed, he'd give your tush a spank! (Hooray!)
The guy was swell – but DRY AS HELL!
Saint Patrick never drank!