by Marc Gunn, July 19, 2006

On a whim, I decided to put together The Medieval Virgin, a joke magazine based around the song “Do Virgins Taste Better Medley“. I asked for a lot of article submissions and one Nagian, Cara Chapel, stepped up to the task with an article about a diet of virgins. A melody and then lyrics just started flowing from me. This is the result.

I've noticed a trend with knights young and old
Counts, Dukes and even King Henry I'm told
Their waists they are growing to sizes ten fold
Now I see me a chance to make lots of gold

So I wandered the world from England to France
Climbed up high mountains, endured gypsy trances
To find a bold diet at the tip of a lance
But dragons were wisest with their eating stance.

Of all the creatures under God's golden sun,
Dragons are healthier than every one
So I interviewed dragons about their sweet fun
That keeps them from weighing much more than ten tons

They sometimes eat cattle but only when spurned
They sometimes eat crops but only when burned
They drink lots of water after it's churned
But the Virgin Diet is the secret I learned

Virgins 1-2-3
Virgins to live healthily
If you're on a diet then listen to me…
Eat virgins and live like a dragon you see

Yes. Virgins are firm and succulent sweet
They have no diseases so they're healthier to eat
Strangely they're filling so you won't overeat.
And fewer calories are found in a virgin's young meat.

Plus, virgins are small and difficult to catch.
They hide in small caves and run very fast
This exercise makes them quite a fun match
So keeping off weight is like mending a scratch.

So I invented a diet Sir Atkins will crave
Just eat plenty virgins and soon you will stave
Off your foul hunger, no longer a slave
Your appetite filled with the hand that you wave.

The one problem now is the dragons are pissed
The virgins are vanishing into the mist
The dragons are gaining weight with a twist
Their blood pressure's so high they die hand over fist