This weekend, I realized something about myself that's taken me years to understand.
It started Saturday evening. Andrew and I stay at a friend's house in Tomball. When faire is over, we can either head back to Tomball immediately or stick around, visit with friends, go to parties or whatnot. For me, that's what it's all about. It's what I long for… that social interaction. Yet, that's Never how it works out.
Friday and Saturday nights back in college were spent walking over to the Texas Union, hoping to meet some people or see some familiar faces who I could spend time with. It never happened. Instead, I wandered aimlessly and came home feeling depressed.
This weekend, I caught myself. Faire was coming to a close. I played music for the fairys at front gate, followed by a short performance at Uncommon Adornments. Afterward, we had the chance to go hang out with The Limey Birds. I was hungry so we talked about possibly getting dinner together.
Yet, I still wanted to wander around for that secret opportunity that was still be discovered… that woman I would fall in love with… that best friend I was about to meet… that party I could get plastered at. It never appeared.
As I think back, I realize that that is somewhat the story of my life. Be it parties, jobs, or love, I'm always waiting. And it comes down to one of three things:
- The opportunity never presents itself.
No one invites me to a party or know one is interested in dating me. - The opportunity presents itself, but I'm oblivious to it.
I admit it. I'm a space cadet. So very often I find people saying to me, “Wow! She had the hots for you.” To which, I respond, “huh?” - The opportunity presents itself, but I decide to wait for something better to come along.
I admit, I have fairly high standards with women. I also remember in college having friends invite me out, but I wait instead for the negligible chance event to do instead of what will make me happy.
Saturday, I caught myself. I was hungry and nothing was gonna happen. So I talked to Andrew. He called The Limey Birds, and we had a great time eating Mexican food in town.
I love companionship. I don't care for huge groups. I prefer 1-on-1, but I love being around people.
That's one of the problems with my day job. I work in a wee cubicle eight hours a day five days a week. There are days when I might not even see light of day. I get caught inside my computer. Most of my co-workers are introverts. So in the past, I've been known to go an entire day without talking to someone.
Then I get off work and go home. I chat with my cats, but they're not always the best conversationalists. I sit in front of the computer or watch TV. And oy, can that get depressing.
Now, I'm not saying all this to garner sympathy. More than likely, there are many other folks out there in the same situation. In fact, this is the reason I've been doing my best to make more plans during the week. I need a social life. Instead, it made me think about moving.
Yes, I've been hoping to move from Austin for about a decade now. So that's nothing new. But I realize that part of my motivation is that I'm looking for a community. I've long wanted to live in a small town where everyone knows everyone. Course, then you have to deal with incessant gossip, but at least you have a sort of “family” to share the good and the bad with.
I think about my family in Italy. At dinner time, in walk the neighbors and the cousins and whomever else happens to be walking by. There's a personalized, social interaction there that my heart is begging for.
Same with Ren Faires. I love the way people are bound together by their similarities and spend time with one another. What's interesting for me though is #3 above. I find myself adoring the community, but not really allowing myself to become a part of that community. Instead, I'm left searching for the unattainable.
So I guess what it boils down to is wherever I move to I won't be looking for just a place to live. I'll be looking for people to join my extended family, and who will invite me into theirs. I have no idea on earth where I'll ever find that… or if I'll ever find that, because either I'll still be searching, or I'll be to chicken sh*t to really take that bold step to introduce myself and invite people into my family. God willing, one day I will find that.
Incidentally, last Friday, I went to Kinsolving again for dinner. I looked for a place to eat and found one where I could people watch, when I was delighted to find a few people who are not afraid to invite people into their community. It was the most-heartwarming experience and delightful dinner I've had there.
God, bless those who reach out to others!
